The other day my kid was pulling on his dick, it is a thing that boys do when they become toddlers and continue to do until they die or their hands fall off. The funny part was, he was doing it in the line at the grocery store. He is only a year and a half old and can’t really grasp why tugging on your dick in a grocery is frowned upon publicly, he will learn that when he is older. Maybe he will be like so many homeless people and never truly understand the intricacies of not taking your dick out around untrustworthy strangers. Who knows? All I know is the old, snaggle toothed bitch in the next isle didn’t find it as amusing as I did. She was as red as a communist beets tampon, assuming communist beets ovulate, and she was giving me the stank eye with a nose curl and some chin fat. So she was offended I suppose. She looked offended and I considered taking my dick out in a show of solidarity with my kid and running after her yelling “It’s a snake hunt, snake hunt”! but I didn’t. Do things like that and life gets pretty jaily, or so I have heard, also witnessed. After leaving the store I realized I had to call my wife and tell her all about it because it was a funny child dick story and you don’t get a lot of those in a non-clergy household, so I called and broke it down for her. As we were laughing about it all, she reminded me that I was going to have a talk with him one day about masturbation. Well damn it, she is right, I am the dad and it is my duty to make my teenage son understand the pitfalls and traps of masturbating, help him weed out societal and religious bullshit and generally embarrass him and make him despise me. that being said I would like to share our future father to son chat with you.
Son: Dad, I think there is a duck in the back yard.
Me: Alright son, I can see it is time for me to tell you about masturbation.
Son: What? I said a duck was in the …
Me: You see son, you better sit down for this, you see son. How do I say this? Well, masturbation is just tops, you know? It is just the best invention since fuckable bread. It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s totally portable and super useful. Say you are in school and you get a little glimpse of the girl in front of you picking up a pencil or maybe a banana with her teeth and it gets your hormone addled blood boiling. What do you do? well you could be one of those kids that walks around all day looking like they are trying to find the bell tower at Notre-Dame or you could simply announce to the teacher and class that you are concerned about the future condition of your prostate and must be excused to give yourself a thorough exam in the nurses office. School nurses are fine with boys jerking off in their offices as are gym teachers. School nurses are well aware of the fact that sexual release can lead to a healthy prostate and less school shootings and gym teachers are usually raging alcoholic perverts; how else could you explain the gin blossoms and the white jogging shorts?
Son: Dad you are really freaking out my lab partner.
Me: Partners, good question son. Now some people will tell you that masturbation is wrong and that sex should be saved for a loved partner. Those people are assholes pure and simple. They probably have some insane hang up from their childhood and they just want to pass it on to as many people as they can before they blow their brains out all over the computer they had just been watching porn and crying on. There are a lot of people in this world that are so uncomfortable with their bodies and genitals in particular that they feel anger at people that are not.
Son: Wait, do mean like old Mrs Murphy next door that calls the cops on you for indecent exposure?
Me: Well, yes and no son. Mrs Murphy is a lot like one of those people but she is also a nosy old bitty and, if she hasn’t figured out nude jumping jack time after two years, it is her problem, not mine. Where was I? Oh yes, partners. So, some folk will tell you that masturbation can not take the place of a partner. That is another happy hunk of crap. Yanking is often better than having a partner. Who can please you better than you? Sure some very well educated and talented prostitutes can but that costs money and money takes work and work should be avoided. You were not born into money son and for that I apologize, maybe if I had worked harder you could afford an any time of the day house call from a big titty Brazilian prostitute that just fell short of the flexibility requirement to be classified as rubber but I didn’t so stop being such a mooch and get a job you leech, just sucking away at the teat of mama and daddy cow. Why when I think of all the wasted money and time that you took from… Oh sorry, I was just thinking of something my dad used to say to me. Back to partners, Partners are a hassle, your hand is your hand. Partners may want to cuddle, talk, go shopping, plant flowers, go for boat rides, see a movie, go bowling, any number of things that are non-genital related and you will put up with all that shit if you don’t learn how to get down with yourself. Your hands only concern is your happiness, you see son, a happy man never punches a wall because of sexual frustration. A happy man doesn’t need to destroy his hand in order to impress the object of his desire and a happy man has a loving hand. Hell, when I was a kid I was told that jacking off led to rape, incest and serial killing (no joke by the way, I was told all of these things) now that I am older and somewhat wiser I know that masturbation, much like marijuana only leads to naps and nice dreams. Also, much like marijuana, only jack off in a safe, secure place because the cops will get you for doing either publicly.
Son: My buddies girlfriend told him that masturbation was like cheating, is she right?
Me: Oh no son, not at all, she would be what we enlightened people like to call, a crazy bitch. Let me see if I can draw her in my mind. She is an uptight girl, probably has some temper control problems, a clingy girl that needs to know where your buddy is five minutes after he leaves her side. She doesn’t seem to like you much even though she flirts with you when he leaves the room. Bigger breasts for a young girl but that is more due to the fact that she is twenty pounds overweight than anything else. I would guess blond, blondies are usually more uptight in my experience, not all but most. People will say blonds have more fun but that is only true when they are planning weddings or ruining lives, brunettes and red heads are where it’s at son. Your mother is a brunette and, even though this will scar you horribly, the day she caught me jacking it in my writing room she just said ‘want me to flip that burger for you’? Your mom loves a good burger if you know what I… Sorry where was I? So you see son, there is nothing wrong with masturbating. You do it, your friends do all the girls in your high school do it, let’s just stop and think about that for a second. I will pretend they are in college already but, shhh, wait, just saving the picture in my head and… what were you saying? oh yeah, that is a duck, well I’ll be damned. By the way, don’t eat any of the bread at Dale’s Deli. Have a good day at school son.
That concludes my little foray into the future. I didn’t really bring up women masturbating but I did want to say, keep it up ladies because it is just so great. I have always enjoyed watching women get themselves off but most of my former girlfriends were creeped out by me sitting at the foot of the bed wearing 3D glasses and eating popcorn, one was into it but she also had way to many knives and wigs.
I know that any intelligent reader will find this article to be farcical which is the point. Every pro-masturbation argument I can make, no matter how ridiculous, is far less ridiculous than the moral majority, Christian right wing, lunatic evangelical, anti-masturbation arguments that are and have existed for far to long.