Rock Bottom

A few years ago, I was laid off from a job I really liked and got myself a DWI two weeks later. Right after that, I noticed a weird growth on my arm that I, as a total nut, assumed was cancer(turned out to be a fatty corpuscle). Putting together a well worded rant usually makes me feel better so I wrote an email to my uncle. The next day, I received a phone call from my very devout Christian aunt.

I love my aunt and I enjoy calls from her even if it is to try to convert me. She has on occasion offended my sensibilities but overall, she a good person and she means well. I answered the phone and she told me to keep my chin up and stay positive. Then she went on to explain how she still believes God has a plan and I should consider looking to Jesus. She believed my uncle took so long to find Jesus because he just didn’t know any better. I, on the other hand, do know better but I’m choosing to rebel for whatever reason. But many people, when they are at their lowest, choose to come to the Lord and of course He is always waiting for that time. All it takes is for someone to hit rock bottom.

Imagine you meet someone who is instantly attracted to you and wants you to love them. Unfortunately, you’re repulsed by that person. They’re too fat, too skinny, smell bad, scrape their teeth, listen to Limp Bizkit, whatever. But they stick with it and one day, after the love of your life has left you, your car is repossessed, you suddenly realize you’re too fat and old to make any life affirming changes. Fuck, you’re going to die alone. And along comes this hideous wart of a human being asking you out for drinks for the thousandth time and you break down and say yes. Next thing you know, you’re walking down the aisle with this boring troglodyte. But hey, you’re not alone anymore and he/she makes fairly decent macaroni and cheese.

That was the thought that ran through my head when she was explaining Jesus to me. Jesus is that unattractive dullard you break down and date because you’ve reached a point in your life where you’re too pathetic to find something better. Jesus is the girl you bring home at 1:59am because you’re drunk and the bar is about to close. He’s pizza that’s been sitting in your fridge for three weeks that you eat because you don’t have enough gas to go to the store. He’s the infomercial for cock enhancing pills that you watch because you can’t find the remote control.

Anyway, I thought this was a very degrading way for her to describe her Lord and Savior.


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