Month: August 2012

Dumbing Down the Flipper Baby Generation.

If you live in America and turn on a television on occasion then you probably know the Todd Akin story by now. If you missed it, Mr. Akin, is running for Missouri Senate and he said something stupid on the magic box that gives people opinions so they don’t have to form them manually.  On the topic of his pro life stance and rape induced pregnancy he said this…

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare, If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Now the whole country has either been up this guys ass or around his throat for the legitimate rape thing but that is not my  angle, I think the ‘let’s hope Mr. Akin is taught about legitimate rape by a group of well endowed elephants’ debate has been done to death.  It is a couple other parts of what he said that are bothering me right now.  First off, what fucking doctors has he been talking too and why was he asking his doctor about the odds of rape related pregnancy?  That is just not a normal doctor to patient conversation, sounds more like a creepy uncle in a small tent conversation to me. ‘You know boy, them lady bits break down and don’t work right if you give yer girl a good scare first, look at me, no kids after I began intercourse in that pig mask, woohoo, let’s wrassle’.  So for what ever reason, Mr. Akin gets some really shaky ideas from a mid 18th century doctor and he says, sounds good to me. Then he goes on air and repeats them?  Why does it seem that so many of the people that are representing American citizens in D.C. Don’t know how to use a goddamn search engine?  Holy shit, Huckleberry, it takes about ten minutes of your time to just sit down and see if the thing you just heard either bares repeating or should possibly be further investigated.  the real plum in this Akin pie is that he serves on the Committee for Science, Space and Technology.  Why is there a person that doesn’t get the basic premise of fact checking on a science committee?  We have, at our fingertips, the knowledge of the ages.  We can learn almost infinite facts at any time of the day or night, no need to even turn a page much less wade through a library, skimming tables of contents until you find what you are searching for.  Hell, even if you do have to go find an actual book now, you don’t have to fight with a card catalog that has been molested daily by a sticky fingered child with an unexplained hatred for Mevil Dewey, you just use a computer, easy peasy, brainy squeezy.  Defenders of Mr. Akin will say this is all taken out of context and he “Misspoke” but I think he is just hiding the fact that he still has dial up and can’t be bothered to read much.

The second thing I have to point out is the part of his statement where he says, “ I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”  So no mention of the woman involved here huh?  In case you don’t know, Akin co-sponsored a bill called the Sanctity of Life Act, which would be a stepping stone toward forcing women to have the child in the event of rape, incest and even if it would kill the mother because nothing makes for a better youth than knowing that you are the reason mommy can’t make it to the baseball game. Why is the pocket of cell growth so much more important than the person nurturing it?  Well, a grown woman or at least a woman of birthing age has already formed her opinions and most likely begun to decide her political, religious and social views. Where as a baby has not formed its own ideas and can be more easily formed to be a cog in the machine.  Religious and political leaders are really good at playing the long con and making sure America is flooded with poor, under educated, hungry, inbred flipper babies makes for a stronger religious and nationalist base in the future.

That being said I would like to point out a few other problems with the Sanctity of Life Act while I am on the subject.  Most of the people that back the ideals in this bill call themselves small government Conservatives.  They claim they want to shrink the size and scope of governmental power but it is really only in the case of monetary and ecological regulations that they want to pull back so they can make more cash.  Policing the uterus would take massive amounts of resources.  Trying to keep up with who is pregnant as well as making women face jail time or even the death penalty for miscarrying as Georgia State Rep.,  Bobby Franklin suggested in his 2010 bill would sap billions from an already struggling economy.  Then you have the simple fact that a child would be born nine months old, the Census Bereau would go crazy trying to get an accurate count of all those unborn people.  What of baptisms, wouldn’t those have to be done with some sort of holy water douche now?  Would birthdays disappear, being replaced by a conception day, what would that cake look like?  That is what you want on your special day, blowing out the candles while your dad regales you with stories about how he didn’t wear a rubber and went one pump over the line and spends the whole day calling you ‘Little squirt’ like it’s the best joke ever?

With so many disconnected fucking morons in positions of power and influence it can  make you feel like it would have been better if your dad had just shot you into the sheets.

Later- Joe

That’s Bananas

Clicking a Youtube link entitled “Atheist’s Worst Nightmare” is a treacherous step down a road fraught with headache inducing absurdity and that ends in precious hours of life wasted.  The titular first video is an uninformed explanation that the banana is an obvious indication of God’s grand design due to its convenient shape for the human hand, pleasing color that lets us know it’s ready to consume and a nice tab at the top that allows us to easily open the peel.  The video – starring sitcom actor turned myopic Evangelist Kirk Cameron and his partner, archetypical Evangelist Ray Comfort – fails to mention the distinctly phallic shape of the delicious fruit that could very well be a tool of Satan used to lead us down the path of lust.  It also neglects the fact that the bananas we are used to, known as Cavendish bananas, are entirely of human design.  The wild banana is a bulbous lump of shit that scarcely resembles its dong shaped counterpart.  And what of the peel so praised by Mr. Comfort in his video?  While it does protect the sweet innards until such time as we are in need of potassium, it can have a far more insidious purpose.  How many lives have been hilariously lost because of some sociopath placing said protective skin at the top of a flight of stairs?


Any time someone comes along claiming to “checkmate” atheists or present their worst nightmare, they only succeed in validating our position whilst making themselves look stupid.  Really stupid.  That is not to say that there aren’t well-informed and intelligent Christians out there.  Doug Wilson and John Shelby Spong come to mind.  Atheists could learn a lot by reading their work.  Perhaps then they would stop spewing out clichéd arguments like “If Jesus died for our sins, why is there still sin?”  The problem with arguing against the Bible using the Bible is that Christians will find something in the Bible to counter it.  But ask any street preacher to explain why they’re right without the Bible, and they’re lost.  Most of us are aware of the “Bible is right because the Bible says so” argument. 

The problem with attempting to convert a skeptic lies in presentation of evidence.  Evangelists tend to attempt conversion using a series of questions proving that we are all sinners.  Once it has been established that the subject is a sinner – using the Holy Bible as criteria – they jump straight into a way to salvation.  Obviously, if the non-believer finds the source material to be questionable, that approach will never work and ultimately leaves the inquisitor looking foolish.  One could say that you have to want to find salvation when reading scripture.  If you are actively seeking answers you will find them, but in doing so, you might just convince yourself you found it because you want to.  Atheists who say they wish they could believe, I would assume are easiest to convert.

An atheist who sits in discomfort because they wish there was a God, but their analytical mind does not allow them accept superstition, are one perceived miracle away from accepting.  But those of us who don’t wish for religion to be true are nearly impossible to convert.  While religious texts don’t make any sense in the first place, and arguments in favor tend to seem absurd, the real reason we reject faith is that we want no part of it.  If it were found to be the truth, many of us would be horrified by the moral implications.  Perhaps we would pray for the first time, but it would be for a conscientious objector clause.  Therein might lie a catch-22 since allowing such an exemption might be evidence that God is indeed good and then we would opt in.   


A Comment on Being Overly Right.

Sitting at my local tavern the other day getting tipsy on booze and good people, the conversation was directed to religion. I had mentioned that I was an Atheist and the top notch fellow behind the bar mentioned that he was Christian. Both these things were relayed with no animosity. It was a slow night at the bar and it lent itself to conversation and questioning. I was asked why I was an Atheist, they were asked why they were Christians we chatted and discussed for quite a while and no anger or bile was traded over who was right or who was wrong. Eventually the whiskey did make  it rather impossible to have a truly dignified conversation on the virtues of science over religion or vice versa but that bar room chat did do one thing for me, it gave me hope.  Hope that people can actually be civil and speak like humans about topics that they feel strongly about.  This is not just directed at cocky, annoying bible thumpers that drone on and on about how much Hell you are going to for not believing the same ghost story they do. This is also directed to Atheists that feel superiority over those lowly believers.  Many self described critical thinkers definitely have the critical part down but not the thinker part, at least not yet.  They quote Hitchens and Dawkins and throw around recently read ideas like so much parade candy and come off as aloof as any of the most heinous televangelists on Public Access. Side note: If you have never watched Public Access televangelism then you are missing a whole world of extreme, wacky fundamentalism.  I know you want to get your point across but being an obnoxious asshole about it just strengthens the resolve of the obnoxious asshole you are trying to convince. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want you to be a simple pacifist or just role over when things get hot.  I really like a heated debate but getting too cocky just stiffens peoples resolve. Humans hate losing and will do just about anything, including lie to themselves to not lose.

Another reason to be a bit easier going on people is that most people have been brain washed since birth with religious dogma and fear. Even though most of it is nonsensical it is still there and it is hard to shake. Changing the format of your mind can be a daunting task, aggravating and mentally as well as physically draining.  I know from experience because I was raised in a home where disbelief was not tolerated.  Questioning religion was not just forbidden from the table, it was not even allowed near the yard.  A child that didn’t keep his ideas to his or herself was punished, sometimes severely.  If you were lucky enough to be raised without the religion ape shitting down your back, you can’t really fathom how hard it is to shake that red assed bastard off.

If you have to really get into an argument and gnash teeth with people about the absurdity of their beliefs versus the logic of yours, please, for the love of physics, have at least a basic understanding of science.  You don’t have to be a Nobel laureate or the large headed clone of Brian Greene and Neil Degrasse Tyson but at least try to be up to date.  It may be old news but when Dave Silverman president of American Atheists, was on Bill O’Reilly’s show and Bill pulled up that old nugget about “The tide goes in, the tide goes out, never a miss-communication”, Bill asked if Dave could explain that and Dave couldn’t.  M-O-O-N, that spells Moon, the gravitational pull of the Moon being the primary factor for tide related arguments.  It’s elementary school science as long as you aren’t raised in the Bible Belt.

Finally, today I was unfortunate enough to be at the Minnesota Zoo at the same time everyone who should have been fighting over Rascals at Wal-Mart decided to go a-zooin’.  I witnessed a young girl ask her mom why the Tapirs snout was shaped the way it was and the mom replied “That is just the way God made them”. The young girl didn’t miss a beat “Never mind, I’ll ask dad” she said.  That brought a smile to my face.  That girl is most likely a future Atheist.

My bottle of whiskey is empty, good night


It’s Goddamn Chicken

Living on this planet is, as you may or may not have noticed, a bitter sweet endeavor.  Only a month after physicists discovered the particle responsible for holding all matter together, three mayors of major cities went on the record to join one the dumbest issues we have faced in the modern world; stepping well beyond their authority to claim they’ll block a chain restaurant from opening branches in their cities because the CEO of that chain said something ridiculous involving homosexuals and his imaginary friend.

I keep up on current events completely against my will.  Since I work late nights I need to get most of my drinking in between 4:00am and 7:00am and how late I sleep depends entirely on how well nourished I was before getting home.  I then wake up groggy and unable to suitably process information that comes to me for at least a few hours.  So when I see a Facebook post or Reddit link relaying the latest happenings in the world, I tend to only partially absorb said information.  It’s not until much later when seeing a headline about the whole country losing its mind over a fast food chain that I think back and realize that that shit actually happened.  

Okay, so I’ll clarify and offer some perspective if I can.  Chick Fil A CEO Dan Cathy, in what seemed a response to every important corporation in the country coming out in support of gay marriage, made his stance known by quoting the bible and condemning the idea of gays taking part in a sacred institution that involves merging property by selling off female offspring… or something.  Immediately thereafter, every media outlet picked up on it and millions of pro-gay Americans took to the internet to decry Cathy’s statements using various devices that were made by foreign children with no fingers and who if they happen to get a toothache, will most likely die.  Forty seconds after I tired of hearing about the evils of Chick Fil A(which was forty seconds after I heard about it in the first place), my friends were kind enough to post information about several other companies whose CEOs have varying degrees of conservative positions.  The president of Domino’s Pizza is pro-life, the marketing director for Depends briefly hesitated before punching Ann Coulter in the nose, whatever.  After 24 hours of this, I was left wishing my liberal friends, who I agree with on this and many other issues, would devote their time and sweatshop made smartphones to something more productive.  We’re winning, don’t let’s give fuel to the other side.

But it gets worse.  In what can only be a gesture in “not to be outdone” by staggeringly senseless bullshit, conservatives on Wednesday decided to head down to Chick Fil A in droves to show their hatred for queers.  That’s right, thousands of people stood in line for hours in order to purchase a hunk of breast meat filled with antibiotics and deep fried, for the sole purpose of keeping two people who are in love from being able to share benefits or visit each other in the hospital. 

Personally, I have joined in on this boycott.  But to be honest, I have never eaten at Chick Fil A, don’t know where any are, and really had never heard of the company before this whole shit storm began.  I just hope that the Jameson distillery doesn’t decide to support One Million Moms.    


A Brief Look At Tragedy

Whenever a major news story hits, the last thing any of them do – despite the fact that it should be the second thing they do(after paying proper respect to victims) – is look at the actual numbers involved in the story.  In the case of the tragedy in Aurora, CO, naturally they’re going to focus on the human interest aspect first and foremost, but before the smoke clears and before the gunshot wounds stop bleeding, the small minded leeches ooze from their slimy caves to use it as a chance to make a political point.  The onslaught of worthless ideas oozing forth from the facial buttholes of our beloved talking heads, makes this writer think that they would provide a greater service to the world if they would only smash their noses with a hammer instead of subjecting us to their endless wind-baggery.  I get it, there’s only so many issues you can invent before you’re no longer relevant and asking a pundit to show restraint is like asking a dolphin not to rape someone.   But with the many tragedies in American history and those yet to come, I still wish folks would learn that speaking too soon ultimately makes them look stupid.  Though I can hardly take the high ground when I’m about to take such a callous position on mass killings.

Despite the number of mass murders that have occurred in my lifetime, I still have not become immune.  Whenever these stories hit the news I feel for the victims deeply before hitting the input button on the remote control and turning on the X Box.  And although I tend to head straight into “too soon” joke mode, my heart still goes out to those who have been hit by these horrible acts.  Unfortunately, they will continue to happen every few years and not a single new law will prevent them.  Psychotic assholes are nothing if not determined.  Perhaps you can take refuge in the fact that 12 in 300 million puts the odds in your favor.