In less than two hours of me writing this, it will be St. Valentines Day in my timezone. I am going to set aside all the Pagan holiday turned Christian holiday bullshit that I have ranted about many, many times in the past and just lay this article down with some real, straight forward, American, high octane vitriol, now in unleaded.
So it’s St. Valentines Day in the good old U.S. of A. and you ain’t figured out yet what you should get for ol’ Peggy Sue so as she won’t end up re-fuckin Uncle Pappy or some such level of disruptitude. Goddamn I hate this fucking holiday. ask me why. Why? thanks for asking, I shall divulge why I dislike V-Day so much more than other holidays, no matter how odious they may be.
Let me break major American holidays down for you, this will help you understand my irritation level. Christmas and Thanksgiving, humdrum, yes they are bullshit but they give you a reason to reconnect with family and remember why you don’t hang with these assholes all year long. St. Patricks Day, hum drunk, an excuse to be as drunk and ornery as you are every night but this time in public. Arbor day, plant a tree, be a cunt about it. Martin Luther King Day, pretend that you really understand the struggles of black people fighting segregation in the fifties and sixties with a barbecue. Presidents Day, buy some shit! I should note that all these holidays deal with buying some shit, even MLK Day. When my wife told me she had to work the MLK Day sale, I about exploded and contaminated the whole neighborhood with a ‘that makes no sense’debris field. I am white and not totally sure but I doubt that was what his dream was about. That is one of the biggest problems with this country, people will take a sale when they can get it and not question it. Strange that the local abortion clinics won’t accept my idea for a January 22nd, three for one sale. Let’s get back to St. V-Day though. What a bullshit day. The corporations have actually convinced people that they need a day to show their loved ones how important they are. That is so fucking annoying it makes me bleed swear words. If you are with someone and they need a once a year “special” reminder that you love them, then they are human feces and feces is something you should only ever dump. Howard Hughes saved his feces and now he is dead, case closed. All these idiotic holidays get to me, what can I say, I hate stupid shit and they are stupid but Valentines Day really gets at me because it is about love. I am a hate filled beast, I feel like Scandinavian death metal is full of half assed whiners and century long blood feuds are missing the real point. I hate shit on a level that would make the Punisher say “Hey buddy, it was just a family”. That said, I know what I love, I love my wife and kid, I chose to marry her and so, I must also love our ridiculously cute accident of a child. I love most of my immediate family because they have not given me a reason not to. I love my friends that I let add to and at times, wallow in my pervasive and demented mind. I have never thrown any of these people into a raging furnace or driven a car really fast into a wall while undoing their safety belts. That is love, not a card or a heart full of chocolate, even though I would eat it to take on the chocolate’s power and one day I would rule Candy Land with a peppermint fist ( also a good name for a porn star). I guess what this bottle of whiskey is trying to make me say is this. If you have someone in your life that needs you to take them out on Valentines Day and really show them how much you love them, then dump that fuckwit, buy a bottle of Buffalo Trace and watch some cartoons. Stupid day for stupid people.
Much love from Joe