” You have offended mah honor suh”, says the Southern gentleman as he removes a fine suede glove and slaps you across the cheek. He was unhappy with your views on his secret chicken recipe and now you will pay with your life. The days of sword or gun duels are long gone but the need for people to bitch about being offended by such and such still exists, actually, with duels no longer being legal, I would wager that the bitching has gotten worse. If the offended party has little to no chance of being maimed or killed when spouting about the supposed offense, they are far more likely to shoot their annoying mouths off about what they feel is burning their delicate sensibilities. I cannot express how lucky so many people are to have the time to be offended by something and the energy and resources to tell so many other people about it. A hundred years ago in America a person would have been so busy trying to make ends meet that, upon arriving home, they would simply flop from exhaustion and rest up for the next day of back breaking labor. Such a person would never have the energy to discover that someone from a half a continent away was slighting them. Modern technology and comforts have changed everything for the easily put off among us and they love to let us know about it. A friend of mine recently asked if I had watched the Oscars, I hadn’t because I have a life that doesn’t involve watching celebrities jerk each other off, my pal went on to explain that I had missed Seth Macfarlane being “very offensive”. After the fourth or fifth article I read about the ‘We Saw Your Boobs’ song, all I could think was, what the hell do you expect? You didn’t foresee the mind behind The Family Guy shocking anybody? When you don’t expect the obvious, I consider you a special kind of asshole and anyone that didn’t see the nasty man coming is exactly that form of posterior perforation. The academy knew that Mr. Macfarlane was going to offend the sensitive and their bet paid off. Do the people that are bitching not realize that a whole lotta people said okay to that shit before it aired? It’s not spontaneous, it is produced and directed and choreographed and made to perk your ears up and make you pay attention. The Oscar celebration fiasco was just troll and people fell for it because, as I love to point out, people en mass are fucking stupid. I am amazed that folks in this day and age can be shocked by anything that passes network censors, the curmudgeons with the specific job of censoring anything that may raise the ire of the simple minded, so anything that gets by them was allowed on the air. Jamie Lee Curtis and Jane Fonda have been heavily quoted about their offense toward the tawdry boob song. I am a pretty big fan of Jane Fonda’s early films, which she has been doing since 1960’s Tall Story with Anthony Perkins. By 1966 Miss Fonda was pretty well established as an actress, having almost a dozen films under her belt, including Cat Ballou, a personal favorite. In August of 1966 she did a boobies out pictorial for Playboy, it was very artistically done and I am sure plenty of men artistically jacked it while exploring the mostly black and white spread. Jamie Lee Curtis has also graced movies I love such as 1983’s Trading Places and the all time great, A Fish Called Wanda but she also had several films and television shows to her credit before whipping out the teats in Trading Places. Fonda and Curtis had more things going for them other than already respectable career, parents that were film icons. I would wager that neither of them felt they had to show their breasts to get a role in a film, you could get pretty far in L.A. back in the day with Henry Fonda, Janet Leigh, or Tony Curtis on your resume under family. The last point I will make on the boob song is this, In Hollywood if you are young and attractive with a fan base starving to see you naked and you show your shit, people say you were exploited. On the other side, if you are fat or old or just gross, people say you are brave for going nude and defying a patriarchal culture. Fuck you, somebody spanked it to Cathy bates in About Shmidt but as a show of what a progressive male I am, I spanked it to the hobbling scene in Misery.
Another story I recently found to be a view of our national idiocy was the story about the Vermont newspaper, The Caledonian Record, making a poster on their back page that said, “Go Toppers, Fry Rice”, fry rice was printed in fortune cookie text and people had to take offense and yell racism. The poster was a reference to a local sports team called the Toppers taking on a rival, Rice. Someone had to yell racism about the fact that they used a font that is commonly seen in oriental restaurants. Maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing a newspaper could have done but if you are going to yell racism about that you may have to look at other racist font usages. P.F. Changs China Bistro is a huge company that, while originally started by two men, Paul Flemming and Phillip Chiang, was sold in 2012 to Centerbridge Partners who’s CEO at the time had the last name Federico, that is a Tuscan name god damn it. So how racist is it that a company that was founded by A guy from Shanghai and another that I can only assume was Belgian became owned by a company run by an Italian but they kept the Asian style font on the signage? For the sake of shitty food, La Choy is owned by Conagra Foods who’s CEO is named Gary Rodkin. Not only do I not have a glimmer of a guess what nationality Rodkin is, I can only surmise it ain’t that far easterly of a name. My point about this is, if a company uses images of the orient to sell their shit and they are run by a non-Asian entity, they are as, if not more racist than a newspaper in a hick town in the 49th most populous state in the U.S. You really had to be digging for something to be offended by to find a story like that. Of course that is the real problem with all this bullshit. People actually have time to dig, scratch and skim media for the opportunity to be offended. I have spent a good portion of my life pissing people off and have never found it easier than now. Everyone feels so entitled to live a life of zero discomfort that they think that you should give a flying fuck about their feelings, sorry, I have things to do and none of those things involve being concerned with the outcome of your day. Perhaps the use that particular font was of poor taste but if it was racist then Helvetica is racist to the Swiss and cursive is racist to Romans, Greeks and Arabians. Now if they would have replaced the Rs with Ls, that I could see having racist overtones.
In the United States, freedom of speech is extremely important and it is constantly under attack by the political correction officers that roam our TV, radio waves and the internet looking to chip away at things that make their ears sweaty and their pants tight. Not too long ago in Arizona there was a bill being brought to the state to make offending people via electronic devices illegal, look up Arizona House bill 2549, it is disguised as an anti-bullying legislation, it’s a bunch more bullshit from them crazies in AZ. I don’t want all people to have an uncomfortable life, I do want some people to burst into flames and fall off high things and survive until the mole people come to claim their sex toy/ dinner but that is only because I have been to a mall. On a normal day I wish we could all just be nice and get along which will never happen as long as we allow people to make us feel like we need to coddle them or make a gigantic, media hyped stink about things that are pretty much just judgement errors or rhetoric you want to live in a free society, you need to expect to not approve of everything you see, smell, taste, hear, read or touch.
Peace, love, dope!