Month: May 2013

Guy in Funny Hat Says Atheists Can Go to Heaven

“Would I be condemned to hell if I had never heard of Jesus Christ?”  says the Eskimo to the missionary.  “No,” is the missionary’s reply.  “Then why did you tell me?”  says the Eskimo.

So goes the old joke and existential crisis surrounding a singular mode of salvation.  It would seem unimaginably cruel to allow someone to be subjected to eternal torment due to inconvenient geography.  Many of the fine people of the cloth are hopeful and possibly naive enough to espouse the idea that ignorance is enough to get someone a pass.  And yet, nothing in scripture allows for such loopholes for the billions of people in the 2000 years since Christ’s Resurrection that have never heard the Word(The Bird?).  Fortunately, the word of the Pope is tantamount to the word of Christ – direct lines and all that – and his eminence was good enough to claim that anyone who does good, including atheists, can gain access to Heaven Everlasting.  Well, thanks for that.

Can anyone take seriously anything said by  anyone wearing that outfit?
Can anyone take seriously anything said by anyone wearing that outfit?

It would appear that the Catholic Church is going for a new kinder, gentler image in the wake of all that pedophilia cover-up business.  I’d imagine the, “condoms are worse than AIDS” debacle hasn’t helped their image much either.  In fact, while we’re at it, claiming to speak for the poor whilst sitting atop a golden throne doesn’t send the right message, nor does the golden staff; being that these items could could be melted down and sold in order to inoculate thousands of children in the poorest countries.  But they’ll always have Mother Teresa, who totally sucks, but people seem to like her anyway.  That’s not to say that the Church is all AIDS and kid-fucking.  They have contributed good things to the world.  They preserved unfathomable knowledge in the wake of the Roman Empire collapsing.  They actually did encourage and support science throughout Europe, so long as that science fit keenly within Church doctrine.  They even founded Oxford University.  And the new guy seems to be far more focused on the poorest people of the world, so we’ll see how that develops.  Will he help the poor by reversing the Vatican’s position on birth control, for instance?  We’ll see.  All in things considered, we can look upon the Vatican with indifference and a pinch of mild distaste for now.  It’s a huge step forward.

With this new ground breaking change to the Papacy, we should all tip our hats to the new Pope (I am entirely too apathetic to bother remembering his name, or to even open another tab to Google it; really, if someone wrote it on the top of my hand, I wouldn’t even glance slightly downward for it)  for his unflinching bravery.  Finally all are considered under this new law.  We can all go to Heaven, just do good.  Well, not quite.  It seems that Atheists can only get into Heaven if they join the Catholic Church, just like everyone else, just like every-when else.  According to holy spokesman Reverend Thomas Rosica, “people who know the Catholic Church cannot be saved if they refuse to enter or remain in her.”  Whether His Holiness sanctioned Rosica’s clarification or not is unclear.  Perhaps there’s a Game of Thrones style subterfuge going on within the Vatican walls.  Perhaps the message was misunderstood by a sensationalist media who wanted to start some shit for more readership.  Saying that atheists can be redeemed isn’t the same as saying they’re welcome into Heaven for simply doing good.  It’s actually the same message as before.  We can be redeemed if we seek redemption.  Doing good is just part of it.

Or course, good is still defined under the rigid and occasionally genocidal doctrine of the Vatican.  Time will tell if they’re moving into the current century, if  the church is indeed creating a new policy of inclusion or if this is simply more Papal Bullshit.  But, if the Pope’s comments can be taken at face value, then atheists can look forward to joining the Pontiff of Pontiffs in Paradise, which we don’t believe in, as long as we adhere to the guidelines of goodness as handed down by His Holiness.  Shall we seek his approval and sacrifice all that guilt-free masturbation?

You Deserve Pudding!

I should start out by saying that this is just an opinion piece by yours truly, it was meant to be an assault on idiots like Brother Dean, the University of AZ, “you deserve rape” sign guy.  Look it up if you don’t know about it, I do not have time or enough sobriety in my to explain it all to you, I just know that his story pissed me off.  It didn’t piss me off for the reason it seems to have pissed off other people.  His, “you deserve rape” sign was a constitutionally protected right of free speech, just like all those kids yelling, “son of a hundred maniacs” at young Freddy Krueger was constitutionally protected school yard ribbing. Oh well, it’s all in good fun until you get slaughtered in your sleep by a razor fingered glove.  The second I finished the article about Brother Dean, I wanted nothing more than to hate him, which I of course did and still do, he is an absolute fuckwit of the highest order.  Read his WordPress page if you doubt me.  He calls himself an “open air preacher”, which is a nice way of saying he is a loud cunt that needs to shout his opinion to anyone whether or not they care to hear it.  The things he writes about are the same old garbage you hear or read from delusional people that can’t deal with reality so they create a world were they are the voice of God and, I don’t know, their dog is right about those brunette women being whores.  Long story short, Brother Dean began to bore the ever loving shit cakes out of me.  Then, just as I was about to look for some decent porn or maybe watch a cartoon, or try to multitask that whole scenario, I found the article about Brother Dean’s mentor, Brother Jed.

Brother Jed, of Campus Ministry USA, has been preaching his fire and brimstone shit for over thirty years on college campuses across the nation but he has a few quotes that raised my hackles and my jackles.  They go on thusly,  “I have often said on campus, ‘You girls in your immodest scanty attire are asking for it. You might as well have a sign on your back saying, ‘Rape me! Rape me! Rape me!’’  Jed also spake, “Dean is not advocating rape; he is trying to discourage rape by shaming girls into dressing in a manner which will not stir up the passions of men lacking in self-control,”  Lastly and most wonderfully, “Lusty hussies think that they can flaunt their stuff in the face of the public without consequences,”  See, Brother Dean is just a low level goblin on the game board but he is being controlled by a high level wizard that can speak to God and God tells him to say really silly shit.  In the simplistic views of Brothers Jed and Dean, rapists are basically just the sex offender level of Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, it was after all, my fault, I left those Cocoa Puffs in my pocket, he went nuts and just started ripping my pants apart.  Brother Jed, you sad old dolt.  I wonder if people like you realize that making the immodest dress leads to rape argument is just saying, the sight of ladies naughty bits or the areas directly adjacent to them makes you light headed and sweltry in the nethers.

Because you’ve worked hard all week and sometimes you just need to say, “I’m worth it.”

Mark Twain once wrote “clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence on society.”  Brother Jed’s sympathies fall somewhere in the middle of that idea.  We all know that clothing choice does affect the way people perceive us.  If you are applying for a job and go to the interview wearing short shorts and a tube top with the words, “Lips and Lollipops” bedazzled into it, you probably aren’t planning on working bankers hours but also not expecting to be sexually assaulted.  Even if a woman or a man chose to wear a sign that said “Rape me”, it doesn’t mean it is an invitation to do it, they could be conducting a performance piece or an homage to Nirvana, or it could be a fucking trap.  Many years ago I came up with the ground breaking idea of, “Exploding Decoy Sodomy Baby” as a way to remove sexual predators from the planet.  It was a simple idea, much in the way the DNR catches poachers with deer decoys, I would use child shaped decoys with explosive triggers on their naughty bits, one misguided feel copped and boom, end of problem. Another thing about the sign notion, ever see a guy that had a “kick me” sign taped to back?  Odds are the only people who kicked him were complete fucking dicks.  The same applies in Brother Jed’s example.  Fucking dicks and idiots of the Jed and Dean sort are nothing more than dick apologists.

I have to explain that this post is not about taking on rape culture or rapists, we know they are shitbags.   We know we live in a world where people want to blame anyone other than themselves for what they do.  Arsonists blame television, fat people blame food, killers blame their parents, the devil or god, Republicans blame Democrats and vice versa, it goes on and on.  No one ever blames themselves.  So what do you get when you can claim that someone else or something else was the driving force behind your personal decision?  You get an excuse to be a cock, nothing more, nothing less.  You will say, if that girl wasn’t wearing that outfit, passed out at that party, taken that roofie, could take a punch or was born a man, I probably wouldn’t have raped her.  No one just says that they are bad at being a human being, that they feel that they are obligated in some fashion and can take from others what they want because they are top of the food chain.  That is what they feel but they blame something or someone else for their choice in acting it all out when they finally get caught.

I get that Brother Dean carries around other signs that say other stupid shit but I think the focus on the “You deserve rape” sign is justified.  It basically says, “Your clothes show your body which makes me horny and no one has ever taught me how to deal with those pantward sensations.  My preacher says that masturbation is wrong and I will go to Hell for it but when I see the long curves of your female form it makes me confused and angry, I want to punch my cock until it looks like an inside out eel that fell into a vat of lemon juice.  I have a girlfriend and we are saving ourselves for marriage but at night, when no one is around, I fuck my teddy bear and then beat the shit out of it for making me into such a dirty man-pig.  See, I was never taught to deal with my sexual urges which makes me very angry and also you are a whore.”  That sign might be a little long and hard to carry around I suppose, but goddamn would it be fun to try to read in one of those stiff desert winds.  One horrible thing a lot of fundo religions teach is that masturbating leads to rape.  Of course they have that shit all kinds of wrong.  Jacking off leads to naps and happiness.  Not jacking off leads to a bad attitude and prostate cancer.

Never take the advice about the origins of sexual assaults from religious people, the bible has way more scripture advocating rape then it does saying it’s wrong.  People that say the clothing leads to the crime should stop pushing that idea.  If that becomes some sort of accepted doctrine then we will finally get to say things like; “Your honor, he was really acting like a shithead, he was just out there with that sign, waving it around like he was just begging to have his ass kicked. What else could I do?  He wanted it so bad.”  You have admire the ironic humor in zealot fuckwits using their right of free speech to try and hinder another persons freedom to not have to wander the streets in a burka to avoid getting raped, which doesn’t work anyway.  Speaking  of the burka, Brother Dean and Brother Jed type nozzles of douche are incredibly anti-Islamic yet they want to force people to follow nearly as strict rules as Islamic Fundamentalists;  They also tend toward a distrust of Jews while ironically trying to follow closely to Levitican law.  What would Moses do?  I suppose this whole article has just been my little way of saying, to those people that agree with Jed, Dean and their ilk;  It is 2013, the world is changing, don’t be scared, embrace it, go to a bar, have a few drinks and just loosen the fuck up because your stupid little signs and preaching about the dangers of wearing sexy outfits only adds more crap to the already bullshit laden ideas that rapey types carry around in their minds.  In short, do something useful; go piss up a rope, you silly dicks.  Everyone else gets pudding.

Red Elf needs food badly…