Scott and I want to speak at your next Atheism conference and we are willing to do it for a nominal fee. While perusing some Atheist convention info, I discovered something wonderful, you can get money for speaking to Atheists about Atheism. That sounds right up our alley since it sucks electrified balls to try and talk Atheism to an “in god we truster”, but discussing it, symposium style to a bunch of my own kind, that should be a cake walk. Sure we won’t tell you anything you don’t already have a decent grip on but that is what a convention speech is. Somebody gets paid to tell you something you could easily read, listen to at home or otherwise discover for yourself. They are pretty much pointless wastes of time, other than the fact that humans are social animals and like to be around like minded, agreeable animals. That said, if you are going to have a relatively pointless meeting of like minded Atheists; Why waste your appearance fee budget on Scott and I? I would like to put the reasons before you and you decide.
1) We are funny. You may not think so. You may think that we are snobs. Our antics may do nothing for you. You find our writing laborious and our world view overly grim. You may not enjoy the lighthearted ribbing we hand the religirati so often and think we are simply prophets of a new god but actually, we are very funny and you are a shriveled old nutsack with no ability to enjoy a good laugh, I can tell by the way you didn’t laugh at the word nutsack.
2) We can both vocalize well thought out, researched and concise arguments while still using the words, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. If you didn’t immediately credit that joke to George Carlin, go back to watching your fucking ventriloquist “comedy” act on the HBO there you dirty Gump… Fart, turd, twat.
3) We drink. We drink hooch, booze, distillates, the spiritus frumenti, this makes us far more more interesting to you and you, far more attractive to us. That’s right troglodyte, you are sexy and for the right amount of money and booze, we will make the entire auditorium at the Hilton Business Suite Ballroom feel that way.
4) Scott and I do drink and then argue viciously about things that have no bearing in reality. This is way, way, way more fucking entertaining than some prick talking about his experiences in blah, blah, blah. Shave your beard and get a job you dirty reverse hippy.
5) We will share our booze with you, the audience. That’s right, you read it here and it is true. We hate to drink alone, love a good party and hate sober witnesses. A huge portion of our appearance fee is just going to go to alcohol for ourselves and the audience. Why would we do that? Because marijuana is not completely legal yet, but also because we want everyone, except the designated drivers, sitting back and swearing at us under their breath for being “out of control”, to enjoy our symposium and have a great time. That is what it is all about, right? enjoying life, living and having a good time while not ruining the lives of others (who didn’t bring it on themselves by being cunty). Being too serious is for the people that can’t face the fact that this is our one chance to have a good life.
So that is why.
He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub.