Month: April 2014

Running Up In Them Guts (A gentleman’s guide to bedding women)

Pickup Artistry is the process of manipulating women into putting out through use of bullshit and a wing-man.  The process involves buying drinks for a woman, lying to her, exploiting her vulnerabilities and having a group of meat-heads run interference on her annoying friends who have the unmitigated gall to try to protect their drunk friend from potential rapists.  That’s what bros are for, bro.  You can’t very well have some cock-blockers when you’ve spiked up your locks and donned your finest overpriced t-shirt that looks like something your little sister made with glitter glue.  If you want an idea of what I’m talking about, consider that there’s a technique called “negging” wherein the PUA purposefully insults a woman to take her down a peg, lower her self-esteem and make her more open to his advances.

Now that we’ve established how much respect I have for any man who calls himself a pickup artist, let’s move on to real and proven techniques for how to get women to take you home with them.  I have, in my short time on this planet, had more than my share of one-night stands, threesomes and random make-out sessions.  In fact I’ve had so much more than my share, that if you’re constantly striking out, it may be because I’ve dipped into your share.  That’s probably not actually a thing.  Anyway, without further ado, let’s move onto the next paragraph explaining exactly how an overweight, moderately attractive, brilliant, and humble fellow like myself has had so many sexual partners.  Oh, and if you’re a woman, or gay, just switch around gender identifiers until this pertains to you.

Assuming you’ve made it this far without rolling your eyes so hard at my apparent arrogance that they cracked the top of your skull, here is my secret:  Stand around being awesome until someone offers to fuck you.

Okay, there’s a bit more to it than that.  I’m a rather outgoing person.  I feel very comfortable in a crowd where I don’t know anyone.  Somehow my complete inability to avoid verbalizing every thought that pops into my whisky-pickled brain works to my favor in social situations.  Occasionally, an attractive woman will find my serious character flaws appealing and latch on for the evening.  After a few hours of me being me, I will sometimes find myself showing off my sexy lingerie to a beautiful woman.  Yippee!

When cruising for love, always dress to impress.
When cruising for love, always dress to impress.

In case you missed the most important part of that paragraph, it was “me being me.”  I’m not the best me I can be, I don’t put my best foot forward, I don’t even bother looking my best.  I may or may not omit the story about how, in 8th grade, I pissed over the toilet seat while taking a poo and had go back to class and sit in front of a girl on whom I had a serious crush with a huge pissy wet spot on the back of my pants.  It all depends on how I’m feeling.  I just be who I is and things tend to work in my favor.  There’s no point in trying to be someone else, people will see through it and you’ll look like a twat.  Take it from Mr. Zappa.

I will practice minimal hygiene, drink slowly so that I’m not tanked after an hour, and talk and listen to her as if she were a person.  Write that last part down.  She’s a person just like you, her thoughts and feelings have all the validity as yours.  Act accordingly.  Women respond to confidence without dickishness.  Be funny, be ridiculous, be crass.  Debate, find common ground, flirt.  Don’t be afraid to disagree with her.  If she loves J.D. Salinger and you couldn’t finish Catcher in the Rye because of what a complete pile of shit it is, don’t pretend you like it.  Speaking of insults, negging is bad, but playful insults similar to what you do with your male friends is good.  Negging is designed to lower her social status, light-hearted gibes just lighten the mood.  Use fun hyperbole on that which you have in common.  For example, if you both love Tom Waits, joke about how anyone who doesn’t like Tom Waits is just like Hitler, but in a bad way.

“But wait,” you might say, “that sounds like you’re telling me to behave exactly like I do with people I’m not trying to fuck.”  You’d be correct.  There are exactly two differences between talking to someone with whom you want to do it and with whom you do not.  One: at some point you’ll be sitting closer to her.  Two:  Fart less.  The single most important part of any potentially sexual relationship is to pay attention.  To everything.  EVERYTHING.  Listen to what she says, what she doesn’t say, see her body language.  Chances are, she’s telling you to make a move with her shoulders, or she’s telling you to fuck off with her left cheek.  In the game of love, social cues are of the utmost importance.

For those of you who feel like you simply have no luck with women, allow me this digression to set you on the path to self improvement.  I promise you, the problem is you.  While some women might seem to only go for assholes, and perhaps a few really do, you will probably find that those assholes have some other qualities as well.  The reason why it seems like nice guys finish last is because nice guys are dull.  So called “assholes” tend not to be.  And the asshole might only be an asshole.  After all, you’re only hearing her side of the story.  For all you know, she might be the asshole.  Either way, try to be better than nice.  If all you got is nice, go fuck yourself.  If your attitude is that your female friend should fuck you because you open doors for her and don’t rape her when she’s passed out, again, go fuck yourself.  I opened the door for an old guy carrying a box the other day, doesn’t mean he owes me anything.  Showing kindness doesn’t obligate her to mount you.  Kindness should be for its own sake.  Everyone has painful friendships involving unrequited love.  It sucks.  Get over it.  The last time I got “friend zoned”, it was very painful, but I managed to get over my romantic feelings for her.  She’s now married to a great guy and has two adorable children and is one of my most treasured friends.  While we’re on the topic, remove the expression “friend zone” from your vocabulary.  Digression over.  

Now, if things worked out, you’re about to have sex.  If you have female friends (if you don’t, you’ve missed a crucial step in the whole learning to hook up with women process), then you’ve probably heard stories about a guy or seven that just didn’t get her off.  As it turns out, women are just as keen on casual sex as men.  The reason so many tend to avoid it is because of social stigmas and the fact that most of the time they won’t get off.  Now, if you’ve followed the above steps, and she’s freely and happily about to fuck you, you already have the ability to turn her on.  So relax and enjoy the moment.  Enjoy her.  A woman in the throes of passion is a big warm ball of erogenous zones.  Take the time to discover them.  Treat every sexual encounter as though it’s the very last time you’re going to have sex.  Remember that bit about paying attention?  That applies here too.  There is no one size fits all getting getting women to scream in ecstasy.  What turned your ex on might annoy another woman.  Learn a few techniques and play around.  But don’t obsess about it.  You have all night.  And if nothing else, there is one thing you need to do.  There is a mantra you need to keep in your head at all times.  Chow the box.  Always chow the box.  It’s as standard as penetration.  No self respecting woman wants to take all that time and effort to get naked with a fella, and not orgasm.  So go down.  What if it’s too hairy?  No such thing, go down.  A healthy patch of foliage between the legs is supposed to be there.  Sure, trimming makes things a bit easier, and a pube in the throat can throw off your rhythm, but it shouldn’t dissuade you.  What if you don’t know how?  Then you shouldn’t have left the fucking house in the first place.  Read a book, go online.  Someone has shared that information.  

Sex is a mutual act between two (or more) people, not an adversarial relationship of attack and defend.  Books and douchey stories about how to pick up women focus on a winner and loser paradigm.  You go out and try to find a lady with low self-esteem, someone who might not be strong enough psychologically to ward off your advances.  She doesn’t want to give it up, but through some rapey chess game of wills, you manage to convince this woman to put out.  You’ve conquered her, you’ve sullied her, you’ve convinced her to give up a piece of her humanity to you.  You’re awesome, bro.  High five.   Now kindly remove yourself from the gene pool.