Month: July 2015

The Best Offense is a Good Offense. by Joe V

I am going to expand on Scott’s earlier post by ranting, just a smoosh, about a couple things that have my mind jelly quivering.

If you have ever been on Facebook like everyone on the planet that isn’t in a cave, surviving giant spider attack and lamenting the loss of Precious, you have seen one of the posts that ends with “If this offends you, feel free to delete me”. If I could “delete” you, I would, in the style that a Cyberman deletes his victims, with brain lasers. That may be a moot point however, since you having posted your whiny tirade, have already been assimilated into some robot like, non-thinking conglomerate of scared shitheads that poop themselves if the Home Depot across town is set up different than the one they usually go to. What do you mean the paint is in aisle 2? At my local store it is in aisle 3, I can’t handle change! Having friends that have posted these things on their FB pages, I gotta say, my finger has hovered above the mouse, considering the click that would end my ever having to deal with their sorrow again, at least until they came to my house for a beer or whatever. Many of my FB friends don’t read this blog, many are religious and actually are offended on some level by me. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, we have varied opinions on politics, religion, science, food, etc. It doesn’t mean we don’t get along on other levels, video games, movies, alcohol, boobs, etc. That all aside, when you post that whiny assed, bitching, crybaby bullshit on your page, it is because you are a sad little fart in the water that needs everyone to agree with you because baby needs his bobble. Boohoo you fucking child. If you want to grow old in a world where no one scares you and nothing changes, hop in that cryo-chamber and freeze your ass for two thousand years. By then, they will either have a cure for being a bitch or the human race will have died out and you can live with the highly evolved apes. What do you mean Gabriel doesn’t share your views on super bananas? Back to the deep freeze with you. Ever have trouble finding the G-spot? well, look in the mirror you overly sensitive clit.

Next topic, Satan and Costco are working in tandem to turn your child to the darkness. A woman in Arizona; because where the fuck else?, said she noticed a 666 in a child’s B-day cake from Costco. First Monster energy drinks and now this? Why must the Devil attack our sugary snacks and carbo load beverages? The woman was terriffended enough by this demon confectionery that Costco is getting rid of the pattern. I am saddened by this because I had plans to have the frosting pattern placed over an angel food cake, just to see who would win Cakemaggedon.

Okay, look, Costco. You don’t need to put 666 on your dinosaur cakes. Everyone already knows that dinosaurs are evil. That’s why Noah didn’t bring them on the Ark.

“A father became outraged when he came across a Princess Leia action figure in a Target and found it to be “pretty inappropriate” for his two daughters to see”.

That is a quote from a Washington Newspaper about a Philadelphia man who didn’t know how to explain a Slave Leia action figure to his daughters. Here is another quote…

“That’s pretty inappropriate, I got two daughters I don’t need seeing that crap. They’re like ‘dad why does this doll have a chain around its neck?’ I don’t have any answers. I was just blown away looking at it,”

Well kids, it is from a movie that I never saw because I spend most of my days crying in the bathroom with my thumb up my ass instead of seeing one of the quintessential sci fi movies of all time. I don’t want my children seeing things that are offensive. That is why we live in the wholesome cultural wonderland that is Philly. the city that doesn’t allow swearing, drugs, prostitution, shitting and pissing on streets or smell even vaguely of cheesesteak farts.

Another quote:  “It’s a little indecent. A little more clothing would have helped,”

To be fair, these aren’t actually intended for children so much as for “collectors”. By collectors I mean people who generate content for the Subreddit Cumming on Figurines. Visit now, thank me later.

Yes, why should an action figure portray a scene from a fucking movie? Why do they have to have a crack where Barbies butt slice should be? That seems a little graphic, did you catch your husband pounding one out to Elsa on Frozen and since then you feel that every female hero needs to dress like a more modest Mary Poppins?

Mary Poppins. So wholesome!

Stop it, we live in a society that we should be trying to improve, not make every little bitchy complaint of every touchy cunt, into some human interest story.

Stop it!

Everything is So Offensive.


I’ve recently come to the conclusion that, very often, bashing those who take offense to anything is the lazy man’s edgy.  If you’re on Facebook, and you have friends on Facebook, you most certainly have seen stupid memes complaining about people who get offended at, well, it’s never clear really, probably whatever the poster is attached to that offends people.  Occasionally people do take offense to something benign, or something provocative that disturbs their worldview.  However, more often than not the poster is upset that whatever racist or sexist thing they like is no long socially acceptable and they, rather than say the racist/sexist/ (pick an ist or phobic) thing, they complain about weak people taking offense.

The June 17 shooting of nine people in a church in Charleston, SC reignited the movement to get the Confederate Battle Flag of Virginia (lest some asshole decides to give me the line “well, actually, that’s not the Confederate flag” bullshit) removed from the State Capital building.  One side of the debate were those who said that it’s a symbol of slavery and racism because it was always traditionally displayed by slavers and racists and has no place on government buildings, and others on that same side pointed out that the flag that was used in an armed insurrection against the United States of America has no place on government buildings.  The other side of the debate are the some of the most clueless people walking the Earth right now.  They said it’s their heritage.  I suppose you could say that, but not a heritage that any right minded human should be proud of.  They said it stands for Southern Pride.  Again, why?  They said the flag didn’t cause that stupid asshole to shoot up the church.  We said, yes, you’re right, but the inherent racism in our society that allowed the flag to be displayed in the first place certainly contributed to the murders.  To which the opposition said, “Well, shit.  Free speech and stop being offended and where’s my sexy sibling!”  Either way, they lost and the flag was taken down.

Since then the Facebook people polished up their clickin’ finger and proceeded to passive-aggressively whine about it by posting the offended people memes and the false equivalency memes and the what the fuck are you talking about memes.  Below are some of my favorites.

This is the battle cry of folks who cherry pick stories off the internet that were published to cause knee-jerk reactions in the first place. A teacher told a student not to wear an American flag t-shirt to school. There’s 300 million people in this country.  Some of them are sexually aroused by eating poo.  Obviously there’s going to be some stupid teachers.
Get it? Cuz they’re wearing Confederate flags and if they took them off they’d be naked. Right? Right? Eh? Get it? Because naked chicks.
The key to making a meme about The Offended is to never actually aim it at anything or anyone in particular. Just post it with no comments apart from maybe something like “I’m sick of everyone being so sensitive in this country LOL we’re becoming a nation of pussies HAHA”
What in the fuck does one have to do with the other? I mean, I suppose if the flag was actually banned it might sort of make sense, but you can still wear it or display it anywhere except for on top of the state capital building.

This is what passed for dialogue for some people.  I always picture some knuckle-dragging yokel seeing these memes and going “fuckin’ A right!”

I know some of you out there might be picturing legions of uptight liberals sitting at home being outraged about everything that you hold dear, and I’m sure those people exist.  Most of them are at Universities blocking anything that slightly challenges their second semester worldview.  Most of the time, however, it’s people going “you know, my grandmother was beaten up by people carrying that flag, and her grandfather was burned alive by people carrying that flag, so how about we don’t put it on government buildings?”  Some people are just too sensitive I guess.

None of this is to say that I think it’s wrong to offend people.  But it should be thoughtfully done with some idea of why you’re doing it.  Some might find vocal atheism offensive, but I have a reason for it and I’ll stand by everything I say.  And I realize that I wrote something rather offensive earlier when I suggested that everyone who supports Robert E. Lee’s Confederate Battle Flag of the Army of Northern Virginia (happy, nerds?) has sex with their siblings.  Please understand that the only reason I wrote that is because everyone who supports the Confederate flag has sex with their siblings.  I’m glad we had this talk.