The Best Offense is a Good Offense. by Joe V

I am going to expand on Scott’s earlier post by ranting, just a smoosh, about a couple things that have my mind jelly quivering.

If you have ever been on Facebook like everyone on the planet that isn’t in a cave, surviving giant spider attack and lamenting the loss of Precious, you have seen one of the posts that ends with “If this offends you, feel free to delete me”. If I could “delete” you, I would, in the style that a Cyberman deletes his victims, with brain lasers. That may be a moot point however, since you having posted your whiny tirade, have already been assimilated into some robot like, non-thinking conglomerate of scared shitheads that poop themselves if the Home Depot across town is set up different than the one they usually go to. What do you mean the paint is in aisle 2? At my local store it is in aisle 3, I can’t handle change! Having friends that have posted these things on their FB pages, I gotta say, my finger has hovered above the mouse, considering the click that would end my ever having to deal with their sorrow again, at least until they came to my house for a beer or whatever. Many of my FB friends don’t read this blog, many are religious and actually are offended on some level by me. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, we have varied opinions on politics, religion, science, food, etc. It doesn’t mean we don’t get along on other levels, video games, movies, alcohol, boobs, etc. That all aside, when you post that whiny assed, bitching, crybaby bullshit on your page, it is because you are a sad little fart in the water that needs everyone to agree with you because baby needs his bobble. Boohoo you fucking child. If you want to grow old in a world where no one scares you and nothing changes, hop in that cryo-chamber and freeze your ass for two thousand years. By then, they will either have a cure for being a bitch or the human race will have died out and you can live with the highly evolved apes. What do you mean Gabriel doesn’t share your views on super bananas? Back to the deep freeze with you. Ever have trouble finding the G-spot? well, look in the mirror you overly sensitive clit.

Next topic, Satan and Costco are working in tandem to turn your child to the darkness. A woman in Arizona; because where the fuck else?, said she noticed a 666 in a child’s B-day cake from Costco. First Monster energy drinks and now this? Why must the Devil attack our sugary snacks and carbo load beverages? The woman was terriffended enough by this demon confectionery that Costco is getting rid of the pattern. I am saddened by this because I had plans to have the frosting pattern placed over an angel food cake, just to see who would win Cakemaggedon.

Okay, look, Costco. You don’t need to put 666 on your dinosaur cakes. Everyone already knows that dinosaurs are evil. That’s why Noah didn’t bring them on the Ark.

“A father became outraged when he came across a Princess Leia action figure in a Target and found it to be “pretty inappropriate” for his two daughters to see”.

That is a quote from a Washington Newspaper about a Philadelphia man who didn’t know how to explain a Slave Leia action figure to his daughters. Here is another quote…

“That’s pretty inappropriate, I got two daughters I don’t need seeing that crap. They’re like ‘dad why does this doll have a chain around its neck?’ I don’t have any answers. I was just blown away looking at it,”

Well kids, it is from a movie that I never saw because I spend most of my days crying in the bathroom with my thumb up my ass instead of seeing one of the quintessential sci fi movies of all time. I don’t want my children seeing things that are offensive. That is why we live in the wholesome cultural wonderland that is Philly. the city that doesn’t allow swearing, drugs, prostitution, shitting and pissing on streets or smell even vaguely of cheesesteak farts.

Another quote:  “It’s a little indecent. A little more clothing would have helped,”

To be fair, these aren’t actually intended for children so much as for “collectors”. By collectors I mean people who generate content for the Subreddit Cumming on Figurines. Visit now, thank me later.

Yes, why should an action figure portray a scene from a fucking movie? Why do they have to have a crack where Barbies butt slice should be? That seems a little graphic, did you catch your husband pounding one out to Elsa on Frozen and since then you feel that every female hero needs to dress like a more modest Mary Poppins?

Mary Poppins. So wholesome!

Stop it, we live in a society that we should be trying to improve, not make every little bitchy complaint of every touchy cunt, into some human interest story.

Stop it!

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