It’s been 57 days since we, and by we I mean a whole lots of assholes that aren’t me, elected a cosmic level shit-bag named Donald J. Trump. It took me 23 days to actually say or type his name without wanting to vomit, but even now I feel my dinner announcing it’s intent to depart.
Dear reader (singular of reader in this case, is literal), I wish to apologize for my very relaxed approach to updating this blog, but I’m fucking lazy. I live the romanticized lifestyle of a writer, as set forth by Charles Bukowski in that I drink too much and act like an ass to those who don’t know as much as I do, but without actually writing anything, which is, I admit, a shortcoming of mine. So I hope you’ll forgive me enough to read my belated rant on the recent election. It’s not exactly recent depending on your timescale. Timescale is everything. In geological time it’s mind-crushingly recent. Let’s go with too-sad-to-be-functional-enough-to-cry time, which is about two months.
I was working on election night as a strip club DJ. I’m a strip club DJ. I may have mentioned this in my previous posts, I don’t remember. But let me break down what it means to be a strip club DJ. If you work at a shitty club, everything sucks, so don’t do that. If you work at a good club, which I do, it’s just a great job that ends with naked women handing you money. I’ll repeat that in all caps for those in the cheap seats. NAKED WOMEN HAND YOU MONEY! My point is, being a DJ at a strip club is mostly awesome. Mostly. Sometimes you’re at work and you witness the crushing defeat of your country. I don’t mean the disappointment I felt in 2000, or in 2004. That sucked, but G.W. Bush, for all his faults, had good intentions and thought he was doing what was right. He was also guided by evil cunts. No, my dear friends, we are witnessing the end of the very ideals that inspired this country. Rule number one for being a strip club DJ is that you have to sound happy on the mic at all times. And I had to hit the mic and announce the next lovely entertainer to stage with the same naive enthusiasm I had when it was 11/07, even though I was dying inside.
The 62 million people who voted for Donald Trump didn’t just vote for a Republican, they voted for the end of democracy. I don’t mean this as hyperbole. I don’t mean this as just a raging liberal shouting at a wall. I literally mean that there were 62 million people who would have been happier with a Putin over an Obama. While it might appear that the last Russian election itself wasn’t tampered with despite a suspiciously large margin (65%), one might argue that the brazen killing of journalists and political opponents taints the democratic process. And our president-to-be loves this guy. Let that sink in for a moment while to reread some of the comments El Douché has made about journalists over the last year or so. What happens to a man who sits up at 3:00AM tweeting cruel lies about a woman that used to work for him when you give him the power of the American presidency? This is a man who has spent his entire life trying to be the most special little boy in the world that everyone loves. He’ll soon have the power to send our troops to places to kill people.
In the aforementioned pursuits of Donald J. Trump, or El Douché as I really hope will become his new nickname, he’s managed to get half the voting populace on board with little more than an “R” next to his name, lofty promises backed up by false statements, and the coveted tag of “not liberal,” regardless of what “liberal” might mean at any given moment. This is very important. Not liberal. Sticking to to the liberals. It’s important because liberal doesn’t actually have a meaning insofar as Trump voters are concerned.
Liberal has come to mean, in a shockingly short span, anything that is against Donald Trump (the right has spent decades turning liberal into a dirty word, we now know that the ideology behind the word is irrelevant). He got his initial boost by sticking it to the liberals. Early on this meant anyone looking at this outrageous goon and saying “You’re kidding, right?” That’s all it took for the Republican base, all lunatics, to latch on. The next thing we knew, Donald Trump was the choice of the Republican party because the crazies had taken over the party. Any hope we had rested with the party itself taking a stand, but that was not to be. Donald Trump insulted the wife of Ted Cruz, and Cruz, while appearing to briefly take a stand, eventually caved like the servile, boot-licking supplicant that he is, to the awesome might of the right wing machine. For all the useless ideas we on the left have for doing away with toxic masculinity, I ask you, what do you think of a man who abandoned his respect for his wife so quickly? Not THE respect OF his wife, HIS respect FOR his wife. Why are we not talking incessantly about this? As an enlightened, liberal, feminist man, I would still knock a motherfucker’s lights out for speaking to my lady the way Trump has about Mrs. Cruz. I wrote a whole article about punching a motherfucker in his stupid goddamn face. And the GOP are supposed to be the tough guys.
Why are we not talking incessantly about this? At the age of 40, I’ve run in every level of liberal to ultra left wing circles, and some might talk the talk, but I have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t swoon over a man punching a motherfucker in his stupid goddamn face over an insult to his wife. The abject cowardice of Ted Cruz should be the top story for everyone on the left, right and anyone else with a sense of decency. No one, for the rest of time, should ever address Mr. Cruz without first mentioning his staggering failure as a man for not standing up for his woman. Some might attack Hillary Clinton for Bill’s many transgressions and likely assaults. But at least she had the stones to stand up for her man. Cruz has no stones and no moral high ground. He has, like everyone else on the so called “moral majority” given up any and all morals for loyalty to a party that no longer has any. Cruz is the worst of them, but the GOP is overflowing with sniveling cowards, willing to cast aside their convictions in favor of being in power.
Trump’s candidacy and subsequent presidency is an attack only one enemy, an enemy with one name, but countless possible, but otherwise meaningless meanings. Liberalism. Liberalism, while once being the basis for the entire goddamn country, has ceased to mean anything beyond simple reason and truth, and they will become public enemy number one in Trump’s America. Brace yourselves, my friends, because the reign of Kim Jong Trump is under way, and it’s all about to get worse.
There are ways we can all fight back. Call your elected officials relentlessly to get them to do what’s right. Donate to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, NPR, and other organizations that are now under threat. Another lesser known tactic that I’ve taken to recently is to get on Twitter and call Donald Trump a cunt once a day. I’ve set a daily reminder on my phone. Every day, at 3:00PM, I get a notification that says “Call Donald Trump a cunt.” Staggeringly immature? Yes. Completely pointless? Probably. But I’ve been doing it for three weeks straight and it makes me smile every time. I know, I’m a 40 year old man who tweets “you’re a cunt” to the president elect of the United States of America every day, but he’s a 71 year old diminutive man-child who thinks vaccines cause autism. You’re all welcome to join in my hitherto one man crusade. Trump is a notoriously fragile little fella who gets all wound up when his tiny feelings are hurt, and if enough people start calling him a cunt on a daily basis, it will send him into on of his little tantrums.
I get that some folks will be apprehensive at first, but hear me out. The high ground approach hasn’t helped. We’re dealing with people who think calling someone a “cuck” is the most clever thing since “libtard.” You’d have a better time trying to explain astrophysics to a turd, but with a less pleasant smell. You’re not going to get through to these people with facts and intellectual discourse. And why would you want to? But you can, by taking the low ground, send that fat, jaundiced shit-bag into a heart attack inducing frenzy with a coordinated campaign of childish insults.
We libtards can’t be toppled by right wing goons like the rapist Donald Trump because we are still the keepers of hope, kindness (yeah, I know, the cunt thing), and most importantly, humor. We create the art and the science. We have Mark Twain and Tina Fey and Sarah Silverman and Neil Degrasse Tyson. They have Adolf Hitler and Mitch McConnell and Ted Nugent and Branson, Missouri. Oh, and Donald Trump, if you’re reading this, you’re a cunt.