The Devil is in Dem Books.

Sitting in the living room, reading to your child may not be the standard moment to have a revelation about your life but tonight that exact thing happened.  I doubt that my two year old can fully comprehend the story behind Terry Pratchett’s, Wee Free Men, but I think a child simply relaxes to the sound of parental mumbling not caring too much about the whole story.  While the boy softly snored on my arm something struck me, I would have never gotten to read this book as a kid.  The story of Tiffany Aching’s magic abilities and her friends, the foul mouthed Pictsies would never have even been allowed in my childhood home.  Being raised in a Christian house can limit your library, when you are not allowed to eat Lucky Charms or Trix Cereal because they “condone the practice of magic”, you can guess that ones sources of reading material may be a tad underwhelming at best.  “The only book you ever need is the bible”, this was a common phrase heard where, how and when I grew up.  Most other books were inspired by the evils of man or even worse, demonic forces from the middle of our planet.  I later discovered that the middle of our planet was inhabited by Morlocks, dinosaurs, The continent of Pellucidar but mostly molten iron, nickle and other variable impurities.  I did read the bible, actually a few times, cover to cover, in some sort of youthful search for a higher truth that I was told only it could bring.  The first time, it was a search for answers, a search that brought up more questions.  The second, it was a quest for resolution, to see if the new questions were simply me being overly skeptical.  The other times, just to bait the logic bear inside my brain meat.  I would like to use this forum to answer some questions that I have brought up due to the reading of religious text.  Feel free to follow along, sure it is a bit self indulgent but so is masturbating in a sushi kitchen, that doesn’t mean we haven’t all tried it.

First off, why are religious authors so fucking horrible at developing a cogent story line?  The bible is great for this, it is a mish-mash of unrelated, contradicting or just plain horribly written stories that have somehow gotten people to believe them.  Have you ever tried to read the texts of L. Ron? Holy fuckawful, that in not a poorly written pair of words, that is a new word unto itself;  Fuckawful: Adjective.  Anything related to the works of L. Ron Hubbard.  How about the Book of Mormon?  So bad that Joseph Smith got him and his brother killed for printing that shit.  There are now joke religions based on harry Potter and Star Wars that actually make more sense than Christianity ever could.  A boy that survived and later destroyed an ancient evil while being taught magic at an invisible university or, an unseen power that controls all things in the universe that some people, being that they are tuned to the universal frequency, can hook into and use to benefit them? Makes way more sense than the entire book of Genesis.  I know we Atheists love to pick on Noah’s Ark but, come on, it is so repulsively idiotic.  If someone wrote that shit now it could only get published if it had sparkling vampires or was written from the perspective of a woman who never had sex before but wanted to tell you what it probably wouldn’t be like if she had it, also she was on an ark .  How can people fear a beast from the ocean destroying the world of man but not worry that their children are, sailing over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day, to where the wild things are, because they were sent to bed without supper?

I hate hearing that the bible is the best selling book of all time.  Is that supposed to make it good?  Have people ever read a good book?  An estimated six point five billion bibles have been sold in the history of keeping track of such things.  That is almost a bible per person on the planet and when you consider that there are an estimated two billion Christians on the planet, that is way more fucking bibles than any one person needs or may want.  I understand that the whole “Have a bible in your house or get burned to death”, argument has been around for a long time but, in a world that is supposed to be able to think for itself; Shouldn’t the sales drop off?  I have never bought one of these bibley things but I somehow own seven, all different translations.  I love books and have a nice size library but to own that many bibles by accident is pretty amazing.  The shear fact that the second most distributed book in our history is “The Quotations of Mao Zedong”, is evidence that some people will use not owning a certain book as a reason to kill you, therefore, a lot of motherfuckers will buy said book.  The fact that Cervatez’s Don Quixote is considered the most purchased fiction book in history makes you realize that stories about crazy people attacking invisible monsters is another driving statistic when dealing with literature purchases.  The bible is full of invisible things that loonies want to fight or follow.  Another factor, where the bible sales are concerned, they do not discriminate by version.  Since there are 50 current, printed versions of the bible in existence, they should have to cut the amount per version, that would make a huge difference in the stats, it would also place the Koran in the lead for religious books, the Torah isn’t a big score keeper and the Book of Mormon is limited by the worldwide number of Mormons ,though they do try desperately to shore up the numbers.

Has a religious person ever been in your house and you catch them sneering at your book collection?  It has most likely happened to most of us.  As a rule I Keep my science books and any literature that may advocate freedom of thought, on the top rows, next comes the sci-fi, comedy and then history followed way at the bottom, by religion.  To most people, shelf height holds a direct correlation to value.  I enjoy having my books get the stink eye from silly folk.  Do you realize how much better story ,  Stranger in a Strange Land, or The Hitchhikers Trilogy, are than any religious book in existence?  The Harry Potter books are usually considered evil by many sects of Christianity, those books are wonderful.  They may be full of magic, ghosts, witches, demons and spells but so is the bible.  the bible has all of them in one book; remember Legion?  That dude was chock fulla demons and his short, shitty story is considered a teaching point for religion lovers.  I Had to bring up Potter and Legion in the same stream of thought because of the article I was just reading that claims three young ladies from “Murica are heading or did head, to Brittania to exorcise some demons.  Part of their line of reasoning is that the Potter books have spread the act of witchcraft so they are going to the root of the problem.  Maybe next they will go to Egypt and burn a mummy, then Transylvania for some staking, after that, jet set to Monster Island and summon Mothra.  Part of me really hopes that the story is just a well timed troll but it’s probably not; remember, moronic plus money multiplied by time, usually equals something extra batshit crazy.

A commonly heard, pro-bible argument is the ” It may be fictional but it does have some great humanitarian value”.  I have never fully grokked this line.  The bible is full of murder, rape, genocide, slavery, and various other atrocities.  The ten commandments are inane at best.  Commandments 1and 2 are the same thing basically,  3 is not possible because we invented hammers and god would have invented thumbs and that is that.  Number 4; Are you ready for some football?  If so, you failed 4.  Number 5, I know several people with really bad parents, fuck them and their shitty existence, number 5 is irrelevant.  Numbers 6,7,8, see the fore mentioned atrocities.  Number 9, this one tends to stump me.  Was lying about your neighbor a thing once?  It must have been pretty widespread to work rape out of the big ten.  This makes me think that people of early biblical times were just bitchy about really cunty little shit and made up silly lies, to make things more interesting while they waited to die of a stomach bug or scratch they got in the field.  Finally we get to 10, not possible.  Everyone covets, everyone lusts, everyone wants what they don’t have.  Fuck 10, it is stupid.  You may know that Psalm 137:9 basically says, happy are the baby killers.  Is any book that advocates smashing babies on a rock going to have any inverse humanitarian value?  Having read many, many books chronicling several wars that actually happened, I doubt that all of the deaths and violence in all of these books combined holds a candle to any given book in the Old Testament or, of course, Revelation, wherein everybody dies.  I focus mostly on the bible because it is the silliness that I was raised on, so don’t bother me about attacking the Tipitaka or something, I am surrounded by annoying bible thumpers more than I am enraged Buddhists.  At any rate, this is all so aggravating, and has gotten way more long winded than I had expected.  So fuck it, comic books and wine until I drop.  Later.

You should pay us to speak at your next Atheism convention.

Scott and I want to speak at your next Atheism conference and we are willing to do it for a nominal fee.  While perusing some Atheist convention info, I discovered something wonderful, you can get money for speaking to Atheists about Atheism.  That sounds right up our alley since it sucks electrified balls to try and talk Atheism to an “in god we truster”, but discussing it, symposium style to a bunch of my own kind, that should be a cake walk.  Sure we won’t tell you anything you don’t already have a decent grip on but that is what a convention speech is.  Somebody gets paid to tell you something you could easily read, listen to at home or otherwise discover for yourself.  They are pretty much pointless wastes of time, other than the fact that humans are social animals and like to be around like minded, agreeable animals.  That said, if you are going to have a relatively pointless meeting of like minded Atheists;  Why waste your appearance fee budget on Scott and I?  I would like to put the reasons before you and you decide.

1)  We are funny.  You may not think so.  You may think that we are snobs.  Our antics may do nothing for you.  You find our writing laborious and our world view overly grim.  You may not enjoy the lighthearted ribbing we hand the religirati so often and think we are simply prophets of a new god but actually, we are very funny and you are a shriveled old nutsack with no ability to enjoy a good laugh, I can tell by the way you didn’t laugh at the word nutsack.

2)  We can both vocalize well thought out, researched and concise arguments while still using the words, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.  If you didn’t immediately credit that joke to George Carlin, go back to watching your fucking ventriloquist “comedy” act on the HBO there you dirty Gump… Fart, turd, twat.

3)  We drink.  We drink hooch, booze, distillates, the spiritus frumenti, this makes us far more more interesting to you and you, far more attractive to us.  That’s right troglodyte, you are sexy and for the right amount of money and booze, we will make the entire auditorium at the Hilton Business Suite Ballroom feel that way.

4)  Scott and I do drink and then argue viciously about things that have no bearing in reality.  This is way, way, way more fucking entertaining than some prick talking about his experiences in blah, blah, blah.  Shave your beard and get a job you dirty reverse hippy.

5)  We will share our booze with you, the audience.  That’s right, you read it here and it is true.  We hate to drink alone, love a good party and hate sober witnesses.  A huge portion of our appearance fee is just going to go to alcohol for ourselves and the audience.  Why would we do that?  Because marijuana is not completely legal yet, but also because we want everyone, except the designated drivers, sitting back and swearing at us under their breath for being “out of control”, to enjoy our symposium and have a great time.  That is what it is all about, right?  enjoying life, living and having a good time while not ruining the lives of others (who didn’t bring it on themselves by being cunty).  Being too serious is for the people that can’t face the fact that this is our one chance to have a good life.

So that is why.

He then proceeds to order an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the Nuclear sub.

Joe.

Evolution vs. Comfort

A few months back, I discussed the astronomical stupidity expressed whenever an evangelical tries to refute science.  In my piece, I went after internet preacher and evangelical caricature Ray Comfort and his, “banana as an atheist’s worst nightmare” argument, or as I’ll refer to it, The Banana Fallacy.  In fact, the term seems to neatly fit most arguments presented by Comfort and his ilk, as there are all based on staring at something for a long time and inventing a story that proves God’s plan in place of evolution.  In and ironic twist, the banana is an excellent example or evolution, albeit, directly targeted for the benefit and overall eating enjoyment of humans.  They’re designed, quite intelligently in fact, by humans.

So Mr. Comfort, ever vigilant in his stubborn denial of facts, traveled to various universities to prove that Darwinian evolution is false by demanding that professors and students answer the tough questions.  Incidentally, tough questions involve cutting away before the interviewee has a chance to answer.  It’s all bullshit, but I’ll give it to Ray that it’s entertaining bullshit.  But then, watching liars make themselves look stupid often is.  In fact, someone else made a video showing that not only does Comfort use dishonest editing, he even dubs over his questions to make people look worse.  Most competent preachers, when confronted with their own sins, will readily admit to being sinners and therefore in need of Christ’s Holy Blah Blah.  But the sort of willful fabrication that Ray Comfort practices is an unforgivable intellectual sin.  It only serves to reinforce the gleeful ignorance of religious fundamentalism.

The sort of ignorance to which I refer can best be explained using that most hallowed medium of the national dialogue: bumper stickers.  One commonly seen, sitting appropriately next to Calvin urinating on the main competitor of the make of said truck states, “God said it.  I believe it.  That settles it.”  Some may want to know what God said.  Hopefully it was in the context of the Bible because you’re driving next to this guy and God could be telling the driver to plow into you.  Assuming the sticker is referring to the Bible, one might want to know which version, whether it was perhaps misinterpreted, how can he be sure that God did in fact say it, etc etc.  But any questions you have will have to go unheard, his window is up.  Either way, it’s already settled.  That guy will go home and watch Evolution vs. God, and think Ray Comfort is really onto something.  Those stupid college professors can’t even answer the questions in the .05 seconds he gave them before interrupting.  But that’s the target audience: people with their minds already made up but still willing to blow $19.99 on an hour of nonsense.  You think given the importance of the message, it would be available for free — or at the very least, less than the price of a good movie.  A cynical man might think that Mr. Comfort isn’t  interested in saving souls so much as making a buck off the ignorant masses.

Comfort does preach to the unconverted, ignorant in a different way but trying to learn more masses.  He and his ilk are fond of using a series of questions meant to trap people into admitting they’re sinners.  Have you ever stolen, cheated, lied, used God’s name in vain, etc.  That last one is interesting because to a non-believer, that can’t possibly be a sin.  But surely we’ve all been guilty at one time or another of lying, if nothing else.  Therefore we are sinners.  Then, using a profound leap in logic, he explains how because we’re all sinners, we need God, and Jesus is there to forgive us.  One does not prove the other, but once he’s established that evolution is false, it’s clear that the Bible is true; the Bible being the only possible alternative explanation (and proving it false being a very loose concept).  If preachers want to get deeper, they fall back on the “something from nothing” argument.  If you saw a can of Coke, you would assume that someone made it.  Here’s the whole universe, it couldn’t come from nothing, so where did it come from?  How can you get something from nothing?  A smart person would say they don’t know, but that that doesn’t mean God did it.  And as it turns out, some really fucking smart people are trying to find out.   Conversely, if you ask a preacher where God came from if something can’t come from nothing, they will — like a nine year old kid playing space pirates and saying he has laser proof shields whenever his friend shoot him with imaginary guns — answer that God is infinite and doesn’t need a creator.  It’s a curious bit of mental parkour to be sure.

Nothing in evolutionary theory is incompatible with religious faith unless someone has a need for everything in the Bible to be factual.  One need look no further than Genesis to see that it’s not.  The moon doesn’t create light, men have the same amount of ribs as women, we hold no dominion over viruses (not yet at least).  And snakes can’t talk.  The two accounts of the creation don’t even agree with each other.  Some might think that if it’s possible to reject one thing in the Bible, then they have to throw the whole thing out.  I don’t think they’re far from the truth of it, but that still displays a seriously flimsy belief structure, like a house of cards being assembled by a man with post traumatic stress who is getting shot at.  A God that works within the natural boundaries set by Himself makes more sense, but it would still raise a whole slew of questions that, like every other debate with the devout, would have to come down to faith.  For a religious person, faith is what it’s all about, and that should be all they need.  We could go over what a pointless waste faith is; we could even say that it’s like masturbation without the mess or the fun.  But we won’t, mostly because there’s still a mess, just a less productive one.  

Johnny Depp’s Tonto May *yawn* Offend People

With the impending release of the new Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp as Tonto and some guy in another role, the buzz is already, well, buzzing about whether or not the movie is insulting to Native Americans.  I’ll go ahead and spoil it for you all, it has to be.  We know this because overly sensitive liberals everywhere are climbing over themselves in order to be the first to take offense.  While it’s true that Depp is a white guy, with an undetermined distant native heritage (maybe), and the basis for his costume is the painting I Am Crow by unrepentant white artist Kirby Sattler, we’re still stuck with the fact that no one has seen the movie.  As of press time, the film has not yet been released.  So Depp’s whiteness and his costume are all we have to go on.  For so many writers on the internet, that’s enough.

2013-04-21-the_crow_brandon_lee_remake
Johnny Depp as Tonto. Atheists on Fishing admits that research for this article may have been rather limited

There is something to be said for Disney’s decision to cast Depp instead of a native actor.  Their decision to cast him in Pirates of the Caribbean led to one of the most iconic characters in history.  They must have known that Depp as Tonto would create one hell of a controversy once word got out to left leaning e-zines.  But anyone who thinks that said controversy is an artificially engineered farce designed to get people talking about a (more than likely) shit movie, couldn’t be more wrong.  This is about a white man putting on red face to portray an offensive caricature of a native.  It’s about stereotyping, it’s about cultural appropriation, it’s about marketing racism.  After all, white men in red face is never okay, just ask Espera Oscar De Corti, aka, Iron Eyes Cody.

Game-of-Thrones_Jon-Snow-costume
The original painting upon which Depp’s Tonto is based: I Am Crow

Iron Eyes Cody was an actor who frequently portrayed Native Americans in film, most famously the single tear shedding Indian in the 1970’s anti-pollution ad.  Cody has been honored more than once by Native leaders for his accurate portrayal of their culture, despite being full blooded Italian.  But Cody’s “red face” offense isn’t a slight on Natives because he had already been honored, and there would have been a whole lot more red faces had they backtracked on all that praise.

Accurately portraying an entire culture in a two hour film with a single character is a most unenviable task.  The best one can do is try to create a sympathetic, complex character.  It’s too bad that most attempts to honor a culture in film fall flat.  The entertainment industry tends to avoid using native characters for anything other than stoic warrior poets fighting to save their people.  The game designers of Assassin’s Creed 3 went so far to honor natives that they didn’t have time to give their protagonist any personality.  In fact, it’s almost a running theme in an overly sensitive media so terrified of offending the wrong people they can’t create an interesting Indian on the big screen, apart from Mel Brooks in Blazing Saddles, and the Utes in Cannibal the Musical.

The valiant paragons of cultural sensitivity have painted themselves into a corner at this point.  To go see The Lone Ranger is to give money to a potentially racist film, to not see it after such frenzied indignation neglects their duty to accuracy in print.  Getting in for free on opening night to a sold out show on is the only way to go.  They would then avoid contributing to box office sales while taking up a seat that could have gone to a paying customer.  In fact, a free ticket is the only way I’ll go see it.  However, a year from now, when the movie gets aired on Cinemax after the latest Emmanuel soft porn, I might decide to watch it.  If that happens, and the film is as offensive as it’s supposed to be, you can all expect a follow-up article simply stating, “That was fucked up.”

The+Black+Crowes+the_black_crowes
It’s likely we’ve taken the gag too far at this point.

College Professors Can’t Hold A Candle To Jesus

In my sophomore year of high school, one of my teachers used a similar method of discussing symbols and their power.  He took the small American Flag – left side of every chalkboard in each classroom – off the wall and casually held it above a flame(he didn’t smoke so he usually had to borrow a lighter from someone in class).  He then asked who would be angry if he set the thing on fire right then and there.  Most students became quite unhinged as soon has he had the flag in one hand and the lighter in the other.  Some were too distraught to participate in the conversation.  One kid cried.  Those of us with the ability to think critically, no matter which side we took, had a very interesting conversation about it, with the teacher occasionally asking questions but never offering his opinion.  I don’t know how many angry letters he got, he had been doing this exact lesson since the mid 1980’s.  Had the internet and Fox News existed, surely he would have become the liberal boogieman of the week.
 

It seems that every other week, conservatives must take up arms over another story of liberal oppression.  A student ordered to take off her Romney 2012 t-shirt because it’s, “akin to wearing a KKK shirt.”  A college professor suspends a student for refusing to stomp on a piece of paper with “Jesus” written on it.  Students are forced to sing a song praising Barrack Obama.  Yes, from the removal of Christmas from public schools to the persecution of Christian children for taking a stand, it seems that schools in the country are out to indoctrinate and oppress students of faith.

Cherry picking stories about evil teachers is a standard in conservative media.  And not always a harmless one.  A few months ago, Florida Atlantic University Professor Deandre Poole was put on paid leave, not because of his actions in the classroom, but because the reaction from many Christians was to issue death threats.  What Professor Poole did was have his students write “Jesus” on a piece of paper and then asked them step on it.  When the students hesitated or refused, Poole, a devout Christian, would then open up a discussion on the power of symbols.  As an atheist, I wouldn’t have any issue with stepping on the paper apart from needlessly offending a fellow student.  That is not to say I have a problem with offending people, I just prefer my offending behavior to have a purpose; a purpose of making a statement, or just for a giggle, but a purpose nonetheless.  Anyway, it would seem that upsetting the sensibilities of those whose sensibilities are up-settable is a byproduct of attempting meaningful discourse.

Apart from the typical fear-mongering within the media, the anti-intellectualism of the right seems to pervade each of these stories.  While the occasional public school story will fill the average consumer with enough terror and rage to keep them alive for another week or so, the real prize is to be able to go after some elitist snob with a PhD.  From tall tales of a philosophy professor attempting to prove the non-existence of God at the end of every semester, to real(ish) stories of intellectual bullies picking on people of faith, the college professor is the ultimate villain.  The fictional stories all end with the plucky Christian kid proving that the elitist pedagogue isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.  He may have a decent idea of how the universe works, but he doesn’t understand God.  

The above video is an old trope that Christians like to pass around as a parable about how Professors aren’t as smart as they think.  The unlikelihood of that story ever actually happening doesn’t seem to occur to the faithful.  The worst of these anti-intellectual videos was created by Wretched Network.  It’s a similar piece of vapidity that’s been passed around in one form or another.  The video features a man, labelled generically as an “Evolutionary Professor,” telling the story of the time a student came up to him after a lecture and asked him some tough questions about evolution that he just couldn’t answer.  Both questions they show are loaded with nonsense that anyone competent in their field (or indeed, a blogger with no degree) should be able to sniff out.  But this pipe smoking archetype sat dumbfounded, unable to recall the most basic concepts of the science he teaches.  Surely he must be the worst professor to ever step into a lecture hall.  My heart goes out to his students.  

Guy in Funny Hat Says Atheists Can Go to Heaven

“Would I be condemned to hell if I had never heard of Jesus Christ?”  says the Eskimo to the missionary.  “No,” is the missionary’s reply.  “Then why did you tell me?”  says the Eskimo.

So goes the old joke and existential crisis surrounding a singular mode of salvation.  It would seem unimaginably cruel to allow someone to be subjected to eternal torment due to inconvenient geography.  Many of the fine people of the cloth are hopeful and possibly naive enough to espouse the idea that ignorance is enough to get someone a pass.  And yet, nothing in scripture allows for such loopholes for the billions of people in the 2000 years since Christ’s Resurrection that have never heard the Word(The Bird?).  Fortunately, the word of the Pope is tantamount to the word of Christ – direct lines and all that – and his eminence was good enough to claim that anyone who does good, including atheists, can gain access to Heaven Everlasting.  Well, thanks for that.

Can anyone take seriously anything said by  anyone wearing that outfit?
Can anyone take seriously anything said by anyone wearing that outfit?

It would appear that the Catholic Church is going for a new kinder, gentler image in the wake of all that pedophilia cover-up business.  I’d imagine the, “condoms are worse than AIDS” debacle hasn’t helped their image much either.  In fact, while we’re at it, claiming to speak for the poor whilst sitting atop a golden throne doesn’t send the right message, nor does the golden staff; being that these items could could be melted down and sold in order to inoculate thousands of children in the poorest countries.  But they’ll always have Mother Teresa, who totally sucks, but people seem to like her anyway.  That’s not to say that the Church is all AIDS and kid-fucking.  They have contributed good things to the world.  They preserved unfathomable knowledge in the wake of the Roman Empire collapsing.  They actually did encourage and support science throughout Europe, so long as that science fit keenly within Church doctrine.  They even founded Oxford University.  And the new guy seems to be far more focused on the poorest people of the world, so we’ll see how that develops.  Will he help the poor by reversing the Vatican’s position on birth control, for instance?  We’ll see.  All in things considered, we can look upon the Vatican with indifference and a pinch of mild distaste for now.  It’s a huge step forward.

With this new ground breaking change to the Papacy, we should all tip our hats to the new Pope (I am entirely too apathetic to bother remembering his name, or to even open another tab to Google it; really, if someone wrote it on the top of my hand, I wouldn’t even glance slightly downward for it)  for his unflinching bravery.  Finally all are considered under this new law.  We can all go to Heaven, just do good.  Well, not quite.  It seems that Atheists can only get into Heaven if they join the Catholic Church, just like everyone else, just like every-when else.  According to holy spokesman Reverend Thomas Rosica, “people who know the Catholic Church cannot be saved if they refuse to enter or remain in her.”  Whether His Holiness sanctioned Rosica’s clarification or not is unclear.  Perhaps there’s a Game of Thrones style subterfuge going on within the Vatican walls.  Perhaps the message was misunderstood by a sensationalist media who wanted to start some shit for more readership.  Saying that atheists can be redeemed isn’t the same as saying they’re welcome into Heaven for simply doing good.  It’s actually the same message as before.  We can be redeemed if we seek redemption.  Doing good is just part of it.

Or course, good is still defined under the rigid and occasionally genocidal doctrine of the Vatican.  Time will tell if they’re moving into the current century, if  the church is indeed creating a new policy of inclusion or if this is simply more Papal Bullshit.  But, if the Pope’s comments can be taken at face value, then atheists can look forward to joining the Pontiff of Pontiffs in Paradise, which we don’t believe in, as long as we adhere to the guidelines of goodness as handed down by His Holiness.  Shall we seek his approval and sacrifice all that guilt-free masturbation?

You Deserve Pudding!

I should start out by saying that this is just an opinion piece by yours truly, it was meant to be an assault on idiots like Brother Dean, the University of AZ, “you deserve rape” sign guy.  Look it up if you don’t know about it, I do not have time or enough sobriety in my to explain it all to you, I just know that his story pissed me off.  It didn’t piss me off for the reason it seems to have pissed off other people.  His, “you deserve rape” sign was a constitutionally protected right of free speech, just like all those kids yelling, “son of a hundred maniacs” at young Freddy Krueger was constitutionally protected school yard ribbing. Oh well, it’s all in good fun until you get slaughtered in your sleep by a razor fingered glove.  The second I finished the article about Brother Dean, I wanted nothing more than to hate him, which I of course did and still do, he is an absolute fuckwit of the highest order.  Read his WordPress page if you doubt me.  He calls himself an “open air preacher”, which is a nice way of saying he is a loud cunt that needs to shout his opinion to anyone whether or not they care to hear it.  The things he writes about are the same old garbage you hear or read from delusional people that can’t deal with reality so they create a world were they are the voice of God and, I don’t know, their dog is right about those brunette women being whores.  Long story short, Brother Dean began to bore the ever loving shit cakes out of me.  Then, just as I was about to look for some decent porn or maybe watch a cartoon, or try to multitask that whole scenario, I found the article about Brother Dean’s mentor, Brother Jed.

Brother Jed, of Campus Ministry USA, has been preaching his fire and brimstone shit for over thirty years on college campuses across the nation but he has a few quotes that raised my hackles and my jackles.  They go on thusly,  “I have often said on campus, ‘You girls in your immodest scanty attire are asking for it. You might as well have a sign on your back saying, ‘Rape me! Rape me! Rape me!’’  Jed also spake, “Dean is not advocating rape; he is trying to discourage rape by shaming girls into dressing in a manner which will not stir up the passions of men lacking in self-control,”  Lastly and most wonderfully, “Lusty hussies think that they can flaunt their stuff in the face of the public without consequences,”  See, Brother Dean is just a low level goblin on the game board but he is being controlled by a high level wizard that can speak to God and God tells him to say really silly shit.  In the simplistic views of Brothers Jed and Dean, rapists are basically just the sex offender level of Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, it was after all, my fault, I left those Cocoa Puffs in my pocket, he went nuts and just started ripping my pants apart.  Brother Jed, you sad old dolt.  I wonder if people like you realize that making the immodest dress leads to rape argument is just saying, the sight of ladies naughty bits or the areas directly adjacent to them makes you light headed and sweltry in the nethers.

DeanSaxton
Because you’ve worked hard all week and sometimes you just need to say, “I’m worth it.”

Mark Twain once wrote “clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence on society.”  Brother Jed’s sympathies fall somewhere in the middle of that idea.  We all know that clothing choice does affect the way people perceive us.  If you are applying for a job and go to the interview wearing short shorts and a tube top with the words, “Lips and Lollipops” bedazzled into it, you probably aren’t planning on working bankers hours but also not expecting to be sexually assaulted.  Even if a woman or a man chose to wear a sign that said “Rape me”, it doesn’t mean it is an invitation to do it, they could be conducting a performance piece or an homage to Nirvana, or it could be a fucking trap.  Many years ago I came up with the ground breaking idea of, “Exploding Decoy Sodomy Baby” as a way to remove sexual predators from the planet.  It was a simple idea, much in the way the DNR catches poachers with deer decoys, I would use child shaped decoys with explosive triggers on their naughty bits, one misguided feel copped and boom, end of problem. Another thing about the sign notion, ever see a guy that had a “kick me” sign taped to back?  Odds are the only people who kicked him were complete fucking dicks.  The same applies in Brother Jed’s example.  Fucking dicks and idiots of the Jed and Dean sort are nothing more than dick apologists.

I have to explain that this post is not about taking on rape culture or rapists, we know they are shitbags.   We know we live in a world where people want to blame anyone other than themselves for what they do.  Arsonists blame television, fat people blame food, killers blame their parents, the devil or god, Republicans blame Democrats and vice versa, it goes on and on.  No one ever blames themselves.  So what do you get when you can claim that someone else or something else was the driving force behind your personal decision?  You get an excuse to be a cock, nothing more, nothing less.  You will say, if that girl wasn’t wearing that outfit, passed out at that party, taken that roofie, could take a punch or was born a man, I probably wouldn’t have raped her.  No one just says that they are bad at being a human being, that they feel that they are obligated in some fashion and can take from others what they want because they are top of the food chain.  That is what they feel but they blame something or someone else for their choice in acting it all out when they finally get caught.

I get that Brother Dean carries around other signs that say other stupid shit but I think the focus on the “You deserve rape” sign is justified.  It basically says, “Your clothes show your body which makes me horny and no one has ever taught me how to deal with those pantward sensations.  My preacher says that masturbation is wrong and I will go to Hell for it but when I see the long curves of your female form it makes me confused and angry, I want to punch my cock until it looks like an inside out eel that fell into a vat of lemon juice.  I have a girlfriend and we are saving ourselves for marriage but at night, when no one is around, I fuck my teddy bear and then beat the shit out of it for making me into such a dirty man-pig.  See, I was never taught to deal with my sexual urges which makes me very angry and also you are a whore.”  That sign might be a little long and hard to carry around I suppose, but goddamn would it be fun to try to read in one of those stiff desert winds.  One horrible thing a lot of fundo religions teach is that masturbating leads to rape.  Of course they have that shit all kinds of wrong.  Jacking off leads to naps and happiness.  Not jacking off leads to a bad attitude and prostate cancer.

Never take the advice about the origins of sexual assaults from religious people, the bible has way more scripture advocating rape then it does saying it’s wrong.  People that say the clothing leads to the crime should stop pushing that idea.  If that becomes some sort of accepted doctrine then we will finally get to say things like; “Your honor, he was really acting like a shithead, he was just out there with that sign, waving it around like he was just begging to have his ass kicked. What else could I do?  He wanted it so bad.”  You have admire the ironic humor in zealot fuckwits using their right of free speech to try and hinder another persons freedom to not have to wander the streets in a burka to avoid getting raped, which doesn’t work anyway.  Speaking  of the burka, Brother Dean and Brother Jed type nozzles of douche are incredibly anti-Islamic yet they want to force people to follow nearly as strict rules as Islamic Fundamentalists;  They also tend toward a distrust of Jews while ironically trying to follow closely to Levitican law.  What would Moses do?  I suppose this whole article has just been my little way of saying, to those people that agree with Jed, Dean and their ilk;  It is 2013, the world is changing, don’t be scared, embrace it, go to a bar, have a few drinks and just loosen the fuck up because your stupid little signs and preaching about the dangers of wearing sexy outfits only adds more crap to the already bullshit laden ideas that rapey types carry around in their minds.  In short, do something useful; go piss up a rope, you silly dicks.  Everyone else gets pudding.

Red Elf needs food badly…

Joe-